Some Impressions

I think some people talking about identity misunderstand me. I had a certainty because I always had to fight for myself. I think some people are partly misunderstanding me. We all have to face difficult truths and that’s not even a difficult truth.

I think certain experiences shape one’s identity. It’s a complicated thing. 

 Not all identity is a role people develop in the adult world. There is also nature and nurture involved. Maybe there is a lot of ‘false-self’ identities that people especially need to let go of. Or maybe they need to let go of part of their identity while another part will basically be their soul or essence, just how they feel as a person, to others. The way someone we know just seems a certain way. Even in the case of Dr. Joe Dispenza; someone else who had done a lot of work to overcome unconsciously repeating emotional patterns would express it differently and brilliantly in a different way. He expresses it very well, but he also expresses it like Dr. Joe Dispenza. His own style. 

 So there’s value in a certain type of uniqueness.

In my case I may of had a bit of a ‘demon mode’ (which was, more than anything, destructive of myself - not others), but other than that I think I just have an ability to create loads of characters, I don’t actually slip into them. Hopefully, I can prove I have that talent. 

I was not trying to show off for the most part. I had never been told I was particularly smart or talented, genuinely. And a change of circumstance 100% completely changed my habits and lifestyle. 

I think what some people are failing to realise is that one of the big lessons here is that we live in a tyranny. Where inconvenient freedom is not tolerated. 

 I believe people should have the freedom to say whatever they want, even if they are misguided about some things. No matter how much very complex reasons made me harm myself and waste my time and focus on escaping pain.

 It might be ugly as fuck, but I was not thinking of the audience. I just wanted to escape pain and I felt very guilty after I went near drugs. There are many decades of negative effects of them. I really had complex reasons to harm myself and I really did. I’ll elaborate on why I don’t think I’m a bad person at all. That is just bs. 

I am only getting in to trouble for doing something radically good. Hard to believe that people could lie to themselves about that too much. I mean, we all know don’t we? We’re just pretending? As much as I need to take in a lot of criticism. 

I was not acting a certain way to impress people. I really had never been in such calm circumstances in the way I was at the time, circumstances that most people would take for granted, but still without any support. I put my head down and worked. That's how I did so much good work. I think I was being authentic for the most part, but I was kind of in a bubble during that conversation and interacting with people after so much isolation gives you strong feelings. I don't really understand what some people mean by the really strong ego thing. I understand saying ego to an extent, but after that I am not at all the petty man some people pretended I am. I was not driven by resentment for years and yet so concerned with such important issues. Anyone who thinks that is completely projecting. There is still a lot of ways to criticise me. Imagine if I said some of the things more arrogant and more privileged people said to me. If I start banning talking about art I had never heard of. Or making up lies about a person's psychology. There was a lot of projection involved. It shouldn't take me interacting with people and having a more normal life for my defence of myself to be way more legitimate. It already was and it is not your business. There are still plenty of ways to criticise me. I’m going to keep improving as much as I can. And I appreciate at any level of improvement if people can come around to forgiving or respecting me. 

I believe a lot of people have plenty of success and stability in life. They establish their identity on that basis and the basis that others around them share similar circumstances. It is understandably difficult to incorporate someone falling into animalistic decrepitude into our worldview, as someone deserving of respect and compassion. It's difficult for part of ourselves to dip all the way down and include a trapped self-destructive person as a viable human not completely foreign to ourselves. I believe that might undermine our view of ourselves. Floating along breezily, it might be taken as an offence if we have to dip down to the bottom to the edge and include such difficult truths. We establish a positive view of ourselves and our identity. It's an affront to our established selves and the positive impression we have for part of ourselves to dip so far down to the bottom.

'I'm me, I have all this stuff, ughhh'

But I think that is the only thing that can save us. I do believe it is a type of privilege if people assume, I couldn't possibly fall into such a broken state.

Anyone who talked to me would see I don't have that much of an 'ego', whatever that actually is. There are good reasons why I had a lot of fight. No fight, no art. Plus there are complex reasons why I had control for the first time. I was not driven by resentment for years and years and years. That doesn't really make sense. Especially because of what I was devoted to. I think it says something about the people who think that. I'm not saying that to be in any way offensive.

I created such great art on the spot because my life was intensely difficult and that is no-one else's business. I'll still do my best to atone for some things. These are just some random thoughts right now.

I appreciate any sympathy whatsoever.

I guess I'm forced to explain my psychology in depth. But I don't know why I can't turn terrible things into good things.

We might be going extinct. Another reason I had some anxiety. Not mentioning a living wage or how large areas of the world will be uninhabitable in the coming decades or the slow erosion of our ability to grow crops, while having a prominent voice, is causing more harm than me.

It is convenient to distort and misrepresent my psychology. It's business. I'll explain my psychology more I guess. Yes, my psychology is complicated. But I do have to explain so much just because I did something good. The easier my life is the more difficult it is for me to understand myself years ago and the more objectionable it seems.

I developed a lot as a young man. As a teenager I had to appease a lot of ego's of guys my age. There really are some lies about me. And it's not just an attack on me - it's an attack on my family.

But once again I do understand anyone I worked with - I put in an inconvenient situation.

https://www.politico.com/news/magazine/2024/07/19/gaza-hospitals-surgeons-00167697

In Palestine, many people die trapped under the rubble screaming to their other family members as they die. People walk by some of the rubble quickly to avoid hearing the screams.

I believe sometimes when there is a wall we can begin to believe that the people on the other side are not just the same as us. When you read about their stories, you learn they are just normal people like everyone else.

Hamas killing civilians randomly was so terrible. So that's terrible. Why is it suddenly ok? If that was so terrible, surely killing at least 30 times as many is 30 times as bad, right? Why is it necessary? According to the journal Lancet recently the true figure could be 186,000 deaths.

Do I disregard the centuries of Jewish struggle? Absolutely not. Needless to say, plenty of Jewish people are speaking out against this mass murder. For example, the doctor in the link above. Also, the Jewish people who recently protested in Congress.

I saw recently a municipality managed to clean rubbish and get street lights. Israel blew it up. The impersonal bombing of the Israeli state stands in contrast to the messy humanity of Palestinian civilians. Real civilians versus a machine that sells itself as something real. I think this relates to the wider story we are facing with the collapse of the living world and the Oil Cult. It's probably the biggest insult to Judaism in most of our lifetimes to associate the actions of Israel, funded by the US, with judaism. How can that many civilian deaths be necessary? There are many examples of Jewish people who are appalled, naturally enough. For example, Miko Peled (who is very interesting when he talks about overcoming Israeli indoctrination).

Interesting that Bill Maher in a rant a few months ago didn't mention Yemen. Very Telling. They're using Americans weapons Bill.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BHIFLsf7ot0

-This documentary shows how far-right the current government in Israel has become.

I have a lot of respect for Marc Gafni, I would really hope that we could respect each other and still have disagreements. I also feel that way about other people I don't fully agree with, including Bill Maher. That is if I ever earned their respect.

The is no evidence that the missile in the Golan Heights was from Lebanon. The Druze don't consider themselves Israeli [twitter/X video]. The families of the victims refused to meet with Netanyahu. Israel keeps bombing schools and other facilities where families are seeking shelter every day. The IDF destroyed the water facility in Rafah. Far more innocent people are killed by the incredibly extremist regime in Israel, who seem to be pushing for war. Israel are currently delaying the evacuation of sick and wounded children.

(Also funny how there's a heatwave in the Antarctic in the middle of winter.)